Around the World in Eighty Days

adapted by Cynthia J. McGean

Re-Imagined Radio
Season 2, Episode 01
Final Draft

Premier performance: August 6, 2014

Produced, Hosted by John F. Barber



Synopsis
Re-Imagined Radio presents The Willamette Radio Workshop actors and other community volunteers performing a radio adaptation of the novel Around the World in Eighty Days. 
In the 1873 novel by French author Jules Verne, Phileas Fogg and his French valet, Passepartout, seek to travel around the world in eighty days or less on a bet. The novel was first adapted as a radio play, 23 October 1938, by Orson Welles and the Mercury Theatre on the Air. Adaptation for this performance by Cynthia J. McGean.


Characters
Phileas Fogg
an English Gentleman

Countess Lovelace, an unusual woman, mathematical genius, inventor, daughter of a poet. Also appears, in disguise, as the Indian Elephant Driver. Can double as Sailor, American train conductor (both could be her in disguise).

Passepartout, an excitable french servant, jack of all trades and lover of food.

Detective Fix, a determined Scotland Yard policeman. Can double as the Ticket Agent in China/Hong Kong, and the Sailor enroute to Yokohama.

Chandra, an ill...fated Indian princess. Doubles as Train Attendant and Woman on Dock in Suez.

Additional parts:
Train attendant
Mr. Stuart of the Reform Club (can double with Det. Fix)
Brahmin Priest/Mujahadeen warrior who captures Passepartout (can double with Det. Fix)
Ticket Agent (Can double with Det. Fix)
Sailor (Can double with Det. Fix, the Countess or Chandra)
American Train conductor

Lines or instructions in bold in the script indicate options following an audience vote.
MUSIC: Willamette Radio workshop THEME
ANNOUNCER
Willamette Radio Workshop presents AROUND THE WORLD IN EIGHTY DAYS, inspired by the globetrotting adventure from the pen of Jules Verne and liberally adapted by our own Cynthia J. McGean.
MUSIC: OPENING MUSIC
ANNOUNCER
The year is 1872 ... nearly 150 years ago. The world is poised on the brink of the Industrial Revolution. Automated marvels ignite the imagination of inventors throughout the globe. Television, cinema and even radio may be mere fanciful dreams, but early precursors of the computer, the fax machine the zeppelin and the submarine already exist, while the automobile and the airplane will soon become realities. The telephone and the phonograph are in their infancy and steamships and rail transport have revolutionized travel. The month is October, and, at the card table of the exclusive Reform Club in London, England, the talk is of a bank robbery.
SFX: LOW MURMURS IN BACKGROUND
STUART
The Bank of England is offering an enormous reward, but I fear those 55,000 pounds are gone forever, along with the brazen fellow who took it.
FOGG
What makes you so sure it was a fellow?
SFX: GENERAL GUFFAWS
STUART
Mr. Fogg, surely you aren't suggesting the bank robber is a woman?
FOGG
We live in a revolutionary and enlightened age, Mr. Stuart.
STUART
Still, no woman would commit such a daring act. You must agree.
FOGG
Must I?
STUART
The Daily Telegraph says a well-dressed gentleman was spotted at the scene of the crime.
SFX: WALLAH. "HE'S GOT YOU THERE, FOGG!" ETC.
FOGG
You put great stock in appearances, Mr. Stuart.
STUART
At least concede that someone clever enough to pull off such a caper is clever enough to disappear into the great wide world if he chooses.
FOGG
The world is not as wide as it once was, Mr. Stuart.
STUART
(LAUGHING) Mr. Fogg, you are a man of uncommon opinions. Do you claim that the world has grown smaller?
FOGG
This is the age of mechanical marvels and unstoppable progress. With the opening of the Great Indian Peninsula Railway, one can now journey around the world in only 80 days.
STUART
Only eighty days? Preposterous!
FOGG
That is the estimate made here in The Daily Telegraph.
STUART
80 days! Pah! In theory, perhaps, but in practice?
FOGG
In practice also.
STUART
What about bad weather? Shipwrecks? Railway accidents?
FOGG
All accounted for.
STUART
You're awfully sure of yourself, Mr. Fogg.
FOGG
That is because I am right, Mr. Stuart.
STUART
Very well, then. Put it to the test.
FOGG
(BEAT) I should like nothing better.
SFX: MORE LAUGHTER
STUART
A journey around the world in 80 days?! Hah! I'll wager four thousand pounds that you won't do it! Indeed ... that you CANNOT do it!
FOGG
And I shall take that bet. In fact, I have a deposit of twenty thousand at my bank which I shall willingly risk.
SFX: GENERAL WALLAH. "I'LL JOIN THAT WAGER! I'VE GOT 4 THOUSAND TO CONTRIBUTE! ETC."
STUART
Twenty thousand pounds, Fogg! You're joking!
FOGG
A true Englishman doesn't joke about a wager.
SFX: WALLAH
STUART
You would stake your fortune on the estimate of the Daily Telegraph?
FOGG
No. I would stake my fortune on the power of progress.
STUART
Twenty thousand pounds that you make the tour of the world in eighty days?
FOGG
Or less.
SFX: WALLAH of amazement ... "Less?! Impossible!"
STUART
A single unforeseen delay could be your ruin.
FOGG
The unforeseen does not exist.
STUART
But you must jump mathematically from trains to steamers and steamers to trains.
FOGG
I will jump mathematically.
SFX: GENERAL WALLAH
STUART
Very well, then. Gentlemen of the Reform Club, shall we accept Mr. Fogg's wager?
SFX: WALLAH OF AGREEMENT
STUART
When do you propose to start your journey, Fogg?
FOGG
This very evening.
SFX: WALLAH of shock
FOGG
Today is Wednesday, the 2nd of October. The train for Dover leaves at a quarter to nine. I shall be due back in London in this very room on Saturday, the 21st of December, at a quarter to nine precisely, or the twenty thousand pounds will belong to you, gentlemen. Here is a check for the amount. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a great deal of preparation to do.
SFX: WALLAH
SFX DOOR OPENS, CLOSES
SFX STREET SOUNDS, FOOTSTEPS RUNNING, THEN 2 SETS WALKING
COUNTESS LOVELACE
(running, calling after him) Mr. Fogg! Wait! Mr. Fogg!
FOGG
My dear young fellow, as you no doubt heard, I'm in a bit of a hurry. What is it?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I, too, am a great admirer of progress, sir. I believe I can be of assistance on your journey.
FOGG
I do not know your face, young man. Are you new to the Reform Club?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I am not a member, sir.
FOGG
Well, that is your loss.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
It is not my choice. As you know, the Reform Club is closed to women.
FOGG
Women?!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Allow me to introduce myself. I am Ada King, also known as the Countess Lovelace ... analyst, metaphysician, student of poetical science.
FOGG
And a mistress of disguise as well, I see.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
When occasion requires.
FOGG
The Countess Lovelace? Aren’t you the poet's daughter?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Lord Byron was my father, yes. But I have more in common with my colleague, Mr. Babbage.
FOGG
Ah, yes. I have read his papers on the Analytical Engine. A machine capable of logical calculations. Fascinating proposition. He called you his ... Enchantress of Numbers?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
So I was, at one time. We have since ... parted ways. But you can see how I might be of aid to you, Mr. Fogg.
FOGG
I'm sorry, madame, but this is a physically demanding journey. I cannot be burdened.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I shall be no burden, sir! We are like minds in pursuit of mathematical precision.
FOGG
When it comes to mathematical precision, I am quite self-sufficient, thank you. I shall be hiring a manservant for the physical labors of the voyage and I require no other services. Good day, madame.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I will not be so easily dismissed, Mr. Fogg. In my experience, two minds are always better than one, and this is an adventure in which I have a particular interest for my own reasons. We will make this journey together, you and I, whether you welcome my presence or not.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
TWEETS: REFORM CLUB WAGER ON TRIP ROUND THE WORLD. 20,000 pounds at stake! FOGG MUST CROSS INDIA IN THREE DAYS AND THE U.S. IN 7. FOGG'S VOYAGE IMPOSSIBLE. IF IT CAN BE DONE, LET IT BE DONE BY AN ENGLISHMAN.
SFX: CLOCK TICKING, KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS
PASSEPARTOUT
Is this the home of Mr. Phileas Fogg?
FOGG
For the moment, yes.
PASSEPARTOUT
For the moment? I was told Mr. Fogg had a firmly established residence here in London and was quite set in his ways. A stable, level-headed fellow of utterly predictable habits.
FOGG
I am Mr. Fogg. And I am embarking on a journey around the world in less than two hours.
PASSEPARTOUT
But ...
FOGG
What is your business, sir?
PASSEPARTOUT
You require the services of a manservant, yes? My name is Passepartout. The agency has sent me.
FOGG
The agency? (TO SELF) A bit smaller of stature than I might like. (PAUSE) Well, you will have to do. Pack your bags.
PASSEPARTOUT
But sir!
FOGG
My journey around the world begins ...
SFX: CHECKING WATCH, TICKING
... in exactly one hour and 49 minutes. Are you equal to the task or not?
PASSEPARTOUT
I have been a singer, a circus rider, a gymnast and a fireman. There are few tasks I am not equal to, Mr. Fogg.
FOGG
Excellent. Bring my raincoat and traveling clock, along with two shirts and three pairs of socks for me and the same for you. We'll buy any other clothes we need on the way.
PASSEPARTOUT
I hope you will pack a pair of sturdy shoes, monsieur! Every traveler should have a pair of sturdy shoes. I myself have had these fine oxfords since I first left home at the tender age of 15.
FOGG
Yes, yes, of course. A pair of sturdy shoes. Here. Take good care of this carpetbag.
PASSEPARTOUT 
(GRUNTS) OOF!
FOGG
It carries twenty thousand pounds.
PASSEPARTOUT
T... twenty ... twenty...thousand ... what?! Monsieur!
FOGG
Make haste, man! We have a train to catch!
SFX: HURRIED FOOTSTEPS
PASSEPARTOUT
(SPUTTERING) I was told Phileas Fogg was the most settled gentleman in all of England. Never leaves town, they said. Never alters his routine, they said. What ever have I gotten myself into?
SFX: TRANSITION
SFX STREET SOUNDS
COUNTESS LOVELACE
(TO SELF) Here we are ... Scotland Yard. Well, Mr. Fogg. Let us see what London's finest detectives make of the facts in your case.
SFX DOOR OPENING, CLOSING, POLICE STATION SOUNDS
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I am looking for Detective Fix.
DETECTIVE FIX
I'm Detective Fix. How can I help you, madame?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I understand you are investigating the robbery of the Bank of England.
DETECTIVE FIX
That's right.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I believe I have information that might prove useful.
DETECTIVE FIX
Go on.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
The description in the Daily Telegraph said you're looking for a well-dressed gentleman of a certain stature and complexion. Are you familiar with a man by the name of Phileas Fogg?
DETECTIVE FIX
Fogg? Ain't he the fellow everyone's buzzing about ... the one who's taken on that wager at the Reform Club?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
The very same.
DETECTIVE FIX
What of him?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Mr. Fogg has long had the reputation for being settled, solitary and extremely predictable. A man of habit and routine. Do you not find it suspicious, Detective, that a gentleman so set in his ways should suddenly decide to undertake the adventurous task of traveling around the world in eighty days
DETECTIVE FIX
The business does seem a bit fishy.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
He claims to be an English gentleman but he has no family and nothing is known of his background or source of income. And yet he has wagered 20,000 pounds!
DETECTIVE FIX
Very suspicious ...
SERGEANT
Furthermore, I have it on good authority that he travels with an equal sum. Where does such a man come by such a fortune, a fortune with which he would so willingly part?
DETECTIVE FIX
An excellent question ...
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Tell me, Detective, wouldn't a gentleman who had robbed the Bank of England be safe from arrest the minute he leaves English soil?
DETECTIVE FIX
He would indeed, madame! He would indeed!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
How convenient if such a gentleman had a pretext for escaping the country in a hurry.
DETECTIVE FIX
Very convenient.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Were you aware, Detective, that Mr. Fogg intends to begin his global journey tonight on the 8:45 to Dover?
DETECTIVE FIX
I was not!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
If you wish to question Mr. Fogg before he leaves the country, I suggest you act fast, Detective.
DETECTIVE FIX
It's fine upstanding citizens such as yourself, mum, that keep our country great. Might I inquire your name ... for the purposes of the reward if your information proves accurate?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I am the Countess Lovelace.
Music: STING
SFX TRAIN STATION, WALLAH, CLOCK STRIKING,
TRAIN ATTENDANT
Train for Dover, with connections to the continent, now leaving Charing Cross Station! All aboard!
SFX RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, TRAIN WHISTLE, TRAIN DEPARTING (THROUGHOUT SCENE)
DETECTIVE FIX
(CALLING OUT FROM OFF MIC ... OUT OF BREATH) Stop that train!
TRAIN ATTENDANT
(CALLING BACK)What's that?
DETECTIVE FIX
(CALLING FROM OFF MIC) Stop the train! You have a robber and a fugitive aboard!
TRAIN ATTENDANT
(CALLING BACK) A what, sir? A gobbler?
DETECTIVE FIX
(CALLING) Robber, blast it! Robber!
SFX: TRAIN AT FULL SPEED LEAVES STATION; TRAIN SOUNDS OUT
TRAIN ATTENDANT
(ON MIC) Sorry, guv'nor! Takes more than gobblers and whose-it's to stop 'Er Majesty's trains!
DETECTIVE FIX
(ON MIC, OUT OF BREATH) Oh, for pity's sake! I'm no whose-it! I am Detective Fix of Scotland Yard, and thanks to your bumbling, the bank robber Phileas Fogg has just evaded capture! Now buy yourself an ear trumpet, and get me a ticket on the next train to Dover!
SFX: TRANSITION
TWEETS: PHILEAS FOGG SUSPECTED BANKROBBER! VOYAGE AROUND THE WORLD A SHAM. #BOGUSBET BANK OF ENGLAND SUSPECT ESCAPES. FOGG HOPS THE RAILS THROUGH EUROPE. CAN FOGG ESCAPE THE BRITISH EMPIRE? TRAVELING THE WORLD WON'T KEEP HIM OFF ENGLISH SOIL. FOGG REPORTEDLY LANDED ON THE CONTINENT THIS MORNING.
SFX: TRANSITION
SFX TRAIN, STEAMER SOUNDS AND CLOCK TICKING
MUSIC: FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM, FRENCH STREET CAFE WALLAH
FOGG
Passepartout, put down that baguette! We haven't a moment to lose!
PASSEPARTOUT
But, Monsieur Fogg, we are in Paris! Surely we can take a moment to savor it?
FOGG
No. We cannot.
PASSEPARTOUT
What good is a trip around the world if you cannot stop to see the sights?
FOGG
It is a matter of mathematics! Now drop that croissant or I shall leave you behind!
SFX: TRAIN SOUNDS
MUSIC: GERMAN ... TUBA, POLKA?, GERMAN BEER...HALL WALLAH
PASSEPARTOUT
(TO SELF) Who travels through Paris without stopping at the Louvre, I ask you? Well, at least I will have a moment to sample the local libations here along the Rhein.
FOGG
Passepartout, put down that weiner...schnitzel! Good God, man, do I have to put you on a leash?
PASSEPARTOUT
Monsieur Fogg, you cannot mean to rush off again? We've only just arrived here in Germany.
FOGG
And we have a schedule to keep, sir!
PASSEPARTOUT
If you ask me, a tour around the world should be more than a series of checkpoints. There is so much to experience.
FOGG
You must experience it some other time. Now drop that bratwurst or I shall leave you behind!
SFX: TRAIN SOUNDS
MUSIC: OPERA, ITALIAN WALLAH
PASSEPARTOUT
(TO SELF) Even a man like Phileas Fogg cannot be immune to the charms of Italy. The sunshine, the music, the art ... Grazie, signora!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
(IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Prego!
PASSEPARTOUT
The beautiful women! (EATING SOUNDS) And the food!
FOGG
Passepartout, put down that pasta! The steamship to Seuz awaits!
PASSEPARTOUT
No, Monsieur Fogg! No, no, no! I will not! I will not put down my pasta!
FOGG
I beg your pardon.
PASSEPARTOUT
You have rushed me from one place to another without even a moment to catch my breath, and here I draw the line. I draw the line at my pasta, Monsieur Fogg!
FOGG
You have picked a most inconvenient time to take a stand in the matter of culinary delights. If we miss the steamer to Suez we shall be forced to wait another 8 days! Now drop that linguini or ...!
PASSEPARTOUT
Yes, yes, I know ... you will leave me behind! Just one more ... mmmff ... one more bite ......... mmmff!
FOGG
NOW!
SFX CLATTER OF PLATE, UTENSILS.
PASSEPARTOUT
You are cruel, sir! Cruel to me and cruel to my pasta! It's a crime, I tell you! I crime!
SFX: TRANSITION, RAPID & URGENT
SFX DOCK SOUNDS, SEAGULLS, ITALIAN CROWD WALLAH, BOAT HORN
SFX: 2 SETS OF RUNNING FOOTSTEPS
FOGG
That is the steamship to Suez! She leaves without us! I hope your alfredo was worth it, Passepartout.
PASSEPARTOUT
Oh, Monsieur Fogg, I am truly, truly sorry.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I see you have missed your connection.
FOGG
Countess Lovelace?!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Mr. Fogg.
PASSEPARTOUT
I don't understand it! The steamer should not have left until noon!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Ah, but it IS noon!
PASSEPARTOUT
Nonsense! It is eight minutes before eleven!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Your watch is slow.
PASSPARTOUT
My watch is always accurate!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
You have kept London time, which is one hour behind that of Brindisi. You ought to re...set your watch in each country.
PASSEPARTOUT
Never! I keep only English time.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Well, then, your watch will not agree with the sun.
PASSEPARTOUT
In that case, the sun will be wrong.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
And you will be late.
FOGG
Madame, as delightful as it is to rediscover your charming countenance here in the Italian sun, and to listen to you debate chronology with my manservant, we cannot tarry.
PASSEPARTOUT
But Monsieur Fogg, we have missed the steamer! You said yourself the next one doesn't leave for eight days!
FOGG
We shall simply have to improvise.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Perhaps I could offer some assistance, if you would not find it too ... burdensome.
FOGG
The only assistance I require is a means of transport that will get me to Suez on time. If you can offer that, Countess, you may burden me all you wish.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Actually, sir, I believe I can help you bypass Suez and move well ahead of schedule.
FOGG
Indeed? What do you propose?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
You are not limited to the bounds of sea and land, I trust?
FOGG
I am limited by no bounds but the natural laws of mathematics and science.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Ah. You discount intuition and imagination then?
FOGG
In my experience, such things are unreliable.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
In MY experience, intuition and imagination are critical to the effective application of mathematics and science.
FOGG
The heart and mind united in pursuit of knowledge.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Just so.
FOGG
Well, I have been known to gamble, when mathematics are in my favor.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I promise you a suitably mathematical opportunity.
FOGG
Very well.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Meet me tonight at midnight on the promontory of Punta Terre. I shall spare you this costly delay, shave a full 3 days off your original travel time, and perhaps even ignite your imagination.
SFX MUSIC/TRANSITION
SCENE: ATOP A PROMONTORY IN BRINDISI, NIGHT TIME
SFX: NIGHT TIME SOUNDS, MAYBE A LONE LOVER SERENADING IN THE DISTANCE, WIND
PASSEPARTOUT
Mr. Fogg, sir, I'm afraid you've been duped. There's no sign of the Countess anywhere.
FOGG
Patience, Passepartout. We are seven and a half minutes ahead of our appointed time.
PASSEPARTOUT
Most people aren't as precise as you are sir.
FOGG
I have the distinct impression that the Countess Lovelace is not like most people.
SFX: DIRIGBLE COMING IN OVERHEAD ... PROPELLER SOUNDS, STEAM ENGINE, ETC.
PASSEPARTOUT
What's that sound? Where's it coming from?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
(CALLING OUT) Up here, gentlemen!
PASSEPARTOUT
Mon dieu!
FOGG
Remarkable! A steam-powered dirigible with a fully operational steering mechanism!
PASSEPARTOUT
A what?
FOGG
A steamship of the air, Passepartout! A steamship of the air.
SFX: DIRIGIBLE COMING IN FOR LANDING
COUNTESS LOVELACE
May I present the S.S. Prometheus.
FOGG
Ah! "Thy godlike crime ... To strengthen Man with his own mind."
COUNTESS LOVELACE
You are a lover of my father's poetry, Mr. Fogg!
FOGG
When I am inspired.
PASSEPARTOUT
Sacre bleu!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
The Prometheus is a little invention of my own, and a bit of a secret. I would prefer to keep it that way.
FOGg
Hence the midnight departure?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Exactly.
FOGG
Rest assured. We shall be the souls of discretion.
SFX: GEARS, ETC. ... STAIRS DESCENDING
PASSEPARTOUT
A mechanical staircase! Really, mademoiselle, you are ingenious!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Thank you, Passepartout. Mr. Fogg, I trust my machine meets your mathematical requirements?
FOGG
It does indeed. It does indeed.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Well, then, gentlemen, welcome aboard the good ship Prometheus!
SFX: DIRIGIBLE, TRANSITION SOUNDS, ETC.
SFX: THE DOCK AT SUEZ IN EGYPT, EGYPTIAN WALLAH
DETECTIVE FIX
Confound that Phileas Fogg! The man keeps up a devil of a pace ... not even a moment to stop and smell the espresso! But if I'm going to arrest him, it has to be on Her Majesty's soil, and that means here in Egypt. If the papers are correct, he should be on the steamer arriving here in Suez this evening. I'll check every man jack on board 'til I catch the scoundrel!
SFX: BOAT HORN ARRIVING, EGYPTIAN DOCK WALLAH
Official
Passport, please .... Passport, please ... Passport, please ...
SFX: TRANSITION INTO AIRSHIP; SOUNDS OF AIRSHIP
FOGG
Passepartout, are you quite all right? You look a little ... chartreuse.
PASSEPARTOUT
The air ... And the height ... Do not agree ... With my stomach, I'm afraid.
FOGG
Your stomach?! I thought it was made of cast iron.
PASSEPARTOUT
(GROANS) Only on land.
FOGG
Here. Try some of this.
SFX: OPENING OF GLASS BOTTLE
PASSEPARTOUT
What is it?
FOGG
Extract of ginger root. Said to be quite curative for motion sickness.
PASSEPARTOUT
(STILL QUEASY) Thank you, sir.
FOGG
(CALLING OUT) Countess?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Yes, Mr. Fogg?
FOGG
We are still ahead of schedule, are we not?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
17 hours and twenty minutes, if the wind stays at our backs.
FOGG
Excellent. That would put us just above Cairo, by my calculations. Passepartout!
PASSEPARTOUT
(GROANS)
FOGG
Passepartout, have you ever seen the Great Pyramids? Or the Sphinx?
PASSEPARTOUT
(GROANS) No ... But I have always wanted to.
FOGG
Well, now's the time for that sightseeing you've been after. Look down there!
PASSEPARTOUT
(GROANS)
SFX: DIRIGIBLE SOUNDS FADE OUT, EGYPTIAN DOCK SOUNDS FADE IN
DETECTIVE FIX
If I have to hear one more doddering matron and her protege gushing about the wonders of the Pyramids and the majesty of the Sphinx, I shall give up my badge. Curse that fellow, Fogg! Where is he?
SFX: Sudden hub...bub and WALLAH
WOMAN
Look at that! Flying towards the dock!
DETECTIVE FIX
What is it, some sort of hot air balloon?
WOMAN
Looks more like a cigar!
DETECTIVE FIX
A cigar with wings and a tail ... And some sort of propeller!
WOMAN
It's certainly puffing like a cigar!
DETECTIVE FIX
What's that in the basket? Are those people?!
WOMAN
Why, I think it's that Phileas Fogg fellow!
DETECTIVE FIX
How would you know?
WOMAN
I seen his picture in the Daily Telegraph, ain't I?
SFX: DIRIGIBLE SOUNDS COME CLOSER. WALLAH.
DETECTIVE FIX
Blast it! That's Fogg all right! How the devil did he get hold of that contraption! (CALLING OUT) I'm not giving up, Fogg! That monstrosity can only get you so far! Sooner or later you'll be back on British soil and then I'll catch you! The sun never sets on the British Empire, Fogg! It never sets!!
TWEETS: GO, PHILEAS, GO! FOGG ELUDES CAPTURE IN SUEZ! GLOBE...GIRTING JOURNEY CONTINUES! FOGG SPOTTED IN THE AIR? MYSTERIOUS DIRIGIBLE PUTS FOGG AHEAD OF SCHEDULE. WARRANT ISSUED FOR FOGG'S ARREST. ONLY A GUILTY MAN WOULD AVOID ENGLISH SOIL.
SFX: WIND, THUNDER ... STORM SOUNDS, DIRIGIBLE SOUNDS
SFX: DIALOGUE IS CALLED OUT OVER THE WIND
PASSEPARTOUT
(GROANING) Mr. Fogg, I don't think that ginger root will do much good in this storm.
FOGG
Courage, Passepartout! Countess! How are we faring?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I'm afraid the wind may have blown us off course,Mr. Fogg. It's hard to get our bearings in this storm. I can't see much of anything above or below and the added headwind is sapping our fuel.
FOGG
How far can we go?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
We may have enough to push across the Himalayas and into China, which will keep us off English soil.
FOGG
Off English soil?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
It will gain you valuable time.
FOGG
And if the fuel runs out?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
With any luck, we'll land in India.
PASSEPARTOUT
And without luck?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
We will land in the Hindu Kush.
PASSEPARTOUT
The Hindu Kush?
FOGG
A dangerous territory beset by Afghan warlords and Russian cossacks. No sane Englishman would venture into it without a military commission.
PASSEPARTOUT
(GROANS) Why did I linger over that linguini? Why? Why???
SFX: THUNDER, CRASH
PASSEPARTOUT
Oh, no! Not lightning, too!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Yes, lightning, too!
SFX: THUNDER, CRASH
FOGG
It's torn through the canvas of the airship!
SFX: FIRE
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Hang on, gentlemen!
FOGG
How's our fuel?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Fuel is no longer the issue! Fire is!
PASSEPARTOUT
(GROANS)
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Mr. Fogg! Grab the parachutes from the storage chest! Quickly!
SFX: OPENING CHEST, STORM AND FIRE CONTINUES
FOGG
There are only two parachutes!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
You and Passepartout must use them!
FOGG
I cannot allow it!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I refuse to leave my ship! I am her captain. If she goes down, I go down! Now take the parachutes and jump! Jump!!
SFX: TRANSITION
AUDIENCE VOTE
WHERE WILL PHILEAS AND PASSEPARTOUT LAND ... BOMBAY OR THE HINDU KUSH?? THE DECISION IS IN YOUR HANDS!
VOTING AND TWEETING
SFX: TRANSITION MUSIC
SFX: TRANSITION MUSIC OUT
SFX: STORM SOUNDS UP, SLOW FADE OUT, EXOTIC SOUNDS (FOR THE OUTSKIRTS OF BOMBAY) OR MOUNTAIN WIND FOR THE HINDU KUSH.
FOGG
Passepartout?! Countess?! (TO SELF) No sign of them anywhere. And no sign of the airship Prometheus.
SFX: CARAVAN WALLAH, WAGONS, HOOVES
BRAHMIN/MUJAHADEEN WARRIOR
Stop! Stop the caravan!
SFX: CARAVAN STOPS
BRAHMIN/MUJAHADEEN WARRIOR
Look! Look! Another birdman fallen from the sky! Your wings are broken, birdman!
SFX: WALLAH, LAUGHTER
FOGG
I am no birdman. This is a parachute, and I am an Englishman.
BRAHMIN/MUJAHADEEN WARRIOR
English?! You're very far from home, then, birdman.
FOGG
Precisely how far? Am I in China?
BRAHMIN/MUJAHADEEN WARRIOR
The birdman is lost!
SFX: LAUGHTER OF CARAVAN. This is not China, Birdman. This is India/the Hindu Kush. More laughter.
FOGG
Judging by your appearance I should say you are natives of the region ... Brahmin priests/mujahadeen warriors, if I'm not mistaken.
BRAHMIN/MUJAHADEEN WARRIOR
You are not mistaken. And we have your companion.
FOGG
My companion? The woman?
BRAHMIN/MUJAHADEEN WARRIOR
No. The other Birdman. The funny little one with the enormous appetite.
FOGG
(DISAPPOINTED) Oh. (BEAT) Oh! Passepartout! What exactly do you mean, you "have him"?
BRAHMIN/MUJAHADEEN WARRIOR
He violated our temple ... interrupted our feast. We could not let him pass after such intrusion. He is our ...guest.
FOGG
I see. (PAUSE) How do I know you're telling me the truth?
BRAHMIN/MUJAHADEEN WARRIOR
Here, as proof, are his shoes.
FOGG
His shoes. Poor fellow.
BRAHMIN/MUJAHADEEN WARRIOR
Of course, we could make you a gift of his freedom.
FOGG
That would be most sporting of you.
BRAHMIN/MUJAHADEEN WARRIOR
And, in exchange, you would make us a gift of 300 pounds. For the care of the temple/as a show of respect to our chieftain, of course.
FOGG
Ah. Of course. A generous gift on both sides. (PAUSE) I have no wish to be delayed. Very well. Three hundred pounds.
SFX: STRUGGLING OF PASSEPARTOUT.
PASSEPARTOUT
(OFF MIC) Unhand me! I demand to see the magistrate! I demand satisfaction! I demand to be fed!
FOGG
(SIGHS) Passepartout.
PASSEPARTOUT
Monsier Fogg! Oh, you are a sight for sore and sorry eyes, sir!
BRAHMIN/MUJAHADEEN WARRIOR
There you are, birdman. He is your burden now.
FOGG
(DRYLY) Thank you.
SFX: CARAVAN LEAVING
PASSEPARTOUT
Monsieur Fogg, how can you ever forgive me?
FOGG
Precisely what I have been asking myself.
PASSEPARTOUT
I never meant to cause any trouble. It was the parachute, you see ... when I landed I was in the midst of some sort of celebration. (BEAT) There were tambourines ... and dancers!
FOGG
And?
PASSEPARTOUT
And kebabs, sir! Such kebabs!
FOGG
Kebabs.
PASSEPARTOUT
And then, all at once, I was attacked! Out of nowhere! They hauled me away ... and they took my shoes! My shoes!
FOGG
These shoes?
PASSEPARTOUT
Yes! Yes! My shoes! My beloved oxfords! Oh, thank you, Monsieur Fogg! Thank you!
FOGG
Passepartout, do you realize what your foolishness has cost me?
PASSEPARTOUT
(sheepishly) Three hundred pounds?
FOGG
In TIME, man, in time!
PASSEPARTOUT
(PAUSE) Monsieur?
FOGG
Yes, Passepartout?
PASSEPARTOUT
Why didn't you ...
FOGG
Leave you behind?
PASSEPARTOUT
Yes.
FOGG
"I am sure of nothing so little as my own intentions."
PASSEPARTOUT
Monsieur?
FOGG
Byron, Passepartout. Byron.
PASSEPARTOUT
Ah.
SFX: TRANSITION
SFX: INDIA DOCK WALLA
DETECTIVE FIX
If Fogg managed to survive that monsoon, he is certainly grounded. I'll bet my right earlobe he's still in India and hoping to catch the train. Let's see how far he gets with guards at every station from Bombay to Calcutta, and me waiting for him at the end of the line. I'll nab him on British soil if it's the last thing I do. Phileas Fogg will learn he's no match for Detective Fix of Scotland Yard!
SFX: INDIA DOCK WALLA OUT
SFX TRANSITION
SFX: INDIAN JUNGLE
FOGG
Passepartout, if we're going to catch the steamer to Hong Kong in Calcutta, we must make our way back through this jungle to the Great Indian Peninsula Railway.
PASSEPARTOUT
But, Monsieur Fogg, sir, what about the Countess?
FOGG
I haven't time for any more sentiment or flights of fancy. I have seen no sign of her or her ship. If the Countess wanted to be found, I believe we would have found her.
PASSEPARTOUT
But why would she wish to hide?
FOGG
She is ... an enigma. (PAUSE) No, Passepartout, we shall have to proceed without her.
PASSEPARTOUT
On foot?
FOGG
For the moment.
PASSEPARTOUT
(SIGHS) At least I have my shoes back.
SFX: TRANSITION MUSIC
PASSEPARTOUT
Monsieur Fogg, I am afraid even my trusty oxfords will give up if we have to walk much farther.
FOGG
Courage, Passepartout. Look up ahead on the road.
SFX: ELEPHANT TRUMPET
PASSEPARTOUT
Mr. Fogg?
FOGG
We were in need of transport to the railway, and now we have it.
PASSEPARTOUT
We ... we ... we do?
SFX: ELEPHANT TRUMPET
FOGG
An elephant, Passepartout, an elephant. Elephas maximus. Excellent means of travel in a pinch. (CALLING OUT) Hello? You there! Young man!
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
(CALLING DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT) Sahib?
FOGG
I say, my good fellow, can you take us to the nearest railway station?
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
To Allahabad? Hmmm ... As you can see, Sahib, my animal is already carrying a heavy burden. I would hate to add to it.
FOGG
A burden? Indeed ... You look familiar, young man. Have we met before?
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
Have you been in India before?
FOGG
No, I have not.
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
Then we have not met.
FOGG
Have you never been to the Reform Club ... in London?
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
London?! Unlikely, Sahib.
FOGG
Highly improbable, I agree. Still ... (PAUSE) I have recently come to realize that improbable is not impossible, and all burdens are not ... burdensome.
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
Truly.
FOGG
Perhaps some compensation might help?
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
Well ... I might allow you to add to my burden for a reasonable price.
FOGG
Reasonable you say?
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
Very reasonable, Sahib.
FOGG
How much?
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
A mere 2,000 pounds.
PASSEPARTOUT
2,000 pounds!!!! Sacre bleu!
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
Elephants have very large appetites, Sahib.
FOGG
With your stomach, Passepartout, I'm sure you can understand that.
PASSEPARTOUT
But 2,000 pounds?!
FOGG
Time is of the essence, Passepartout! Now climb aboard that pachyderm!
SFX: ELEPHANT TRUMPET
SFX: TRANSITION MUSIC
PASSEPARTOUT
2,000 pounds ... oof! ... to hire an elephant, Monsieur Fogg! ... oof! Not ... oof! ... a very comfortable ... oof! ... ride ... oof! ... for the price.
FOGG
Yes, but much easier on the shoes, Passepartout. Much easier on the shoes.
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
It will help if you keep your tongue between your teeth, Sahib.
PASSEPARTOUT
Between my teeth?
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
So you won't bite it off.
PASSEPARTOUT
If you thay tho, thir ... oof!
SFX: ELEPHANT TRUMPET, DISTANT SOUNDS OF APPROACHING PROCESSIOn
FOGG
Why are we stopping?
SFX: PROCESSION SOUNDS INCREASE, CHANTING, MUSIC, ETC.
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
Would you have me cross a Brahmin procession, Sahib?
FOGG
No, I don't suppose that would be wise. We've had enough trouble with local customs as it is, haven't we Passepartout?
PASSEPARTOUT
Yes, Monsieur. (PAUSE) That woman being carried in the procession ... she's beautiful! Exquisite! Is she royalty?
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
She is doomed.
PASSEPARTOUT
Doomed?!
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
This is a suttee. The woman you see will be burned to death as part of her husband's burial.
PASSEPARTOUT
Horrible! Such customs still exist?
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
The suttee has been illegal in India for over 40 years, but the tradition still lingers in certain regions. This is such a region.
FOGG
Where are they taking her?
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
To the temple of Pillaji.
PASSEPARTOUT
We have to stop them.
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
Sahib, the temple is two miles away, and I understand you are in something of a hurry.
FOGG
The Temple of Pillaji you say? That puts us only a few miles from Allahabad, and the train station. Hmm... (TO SELF) When is the train scheduled to arrive there?
SFX: RUSTLING OF PAPER
Fogg
Allahabad, Allahabad ... Here it is.
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
Is that the timetable for the trains?
PASSEPARTOUT
Monsieur Fogg has one for every railway in the world ... and every steamer line! He is never without them!
FOGG
... Factoring in what we gained on the airship Prometheus, and allowing for what we have lost since then, that gives us, let me see ... (CALCULATES) a full eight hours to spare. We may as well devote that time to saving a woman's life.
PASSEPARTOUT
Why, Monsieur Fogg, you are a man of heart after all!
FOGG
When I have the time.
SFX: TRANSITION
SFX: MUSIC AND CHANTING
SFX: DIALOGUE IS WHISPERED, CLOSE ON MIC
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
Here we are ... the temple of Pillaji.
PASSEPARTOUT
So many guards! And such a high funeral pyre! We cannot possibly slip in without being seen.
FOGG
Perhaps an opportunity will present itself, Passepartout.
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
You are placing your faith in chance, Sahib?
FOGG
I admit I much prefer certainty, or at least mathematically supported probability, but one must make exceptions in times of duress.
SFX: CROWD WALLA CHANGES, HEIGHTENS
PASSEPARTOUT
The crowd is pressing forward. What's happening?
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
They are leading the raja's widow onto the funeral pyre. Soon they will light the flames.
PASSEPARTOUT
Monsieur Fogg, we can't just wait for an opportunity! We have to do something now, before it's too late!
SFX: CHANTING INCREASES, CROWD WALLAH.
FOGG
With the recent monsoon, some of that wood is bound to be wet.
PASSEPARTOUT
Will that stop the fire?
FOGG
No, but it will create a great deal of smoke. Passepartout, you told me once you were an acrobat?
PASSEPARTOUT
Among many other professions, yes.
FOGG
Do you think you could climb that pyre if you had to?
PASSEPARTOUT
Without a doubt.
FOGG
Come with me. I have an idea.
SFX: TRANSITION
SFX: CHANTING
CHANDRA
(OFF MIKE) Stop! Please! I do not want to die!
SFX: CROWD WALLAH
SFX: ROARING FIRE
Chandra
Please! Help me!
SFX: PANICS CROWD WALLAH. THE ENSUING LINES SHOULD BE CLEARLY HEARD ABOVE THE GENERAL WALLAH.
CROWD
(VARIOUS, COUNTESS AND FOGG CAN SAY MANY OF THESE LINES) Look! Atop the pyre! The rajah! The dead raja has come to life! He is rising out of the flames and carrying his widow away with him! Bow! Bow to him!
SFX: WALLA OF AWE, REVERENCE, CHANTING UP, OUT
SFX: TRANSITION
SFX: IN THE INDIAN JUNGLE, ELEPHANT TRUMPET
CHANDRA
Where ... where am I? I remember the suttee. I remember the procession, the fire ... I saw the ghost of my dead husband coming toward me ...
PASSEPARTOUT
You are safe, now, madame.
CHANDRA
Who are you?
PASSEPARTOUT
My name is Passepartout. I am traveling the world with Monsieur Phileas Fogg.
CHANDRA
It was you that I saw, not my dead husband! You climbed the funeral pyre in all that smoke. You saved me.
PASSEPARTOUT
We could not let you burn.
CHANDRA
It was my duty to die with my husband.
PASSEPARTOUT
Nonsense! You are young and beautiful. It is a crime to throw your life away like that.
CHANDRA
No one else tried to stop it. No one in my village had the courage. How can I ever repay you?
PASSEPARTOUT
Live, madame. Live.
CHANDRA
Your appreciation for life is quite a gift, sir.
PASSEPARTOUT
It is you who are the gift, madame.
CHANDRA
Please. You must call me Chandra.
FOGG
Passepartout? Passepartout?
PASSEPARTOUT
(DREAMY) Hmmmmm?
FOGG
Passepartout!!
PASSEPARTOUT
Eh? Oh! Yes, Monsiuer Fogg?
FOGG
I hate to interrupt your ... conversation, but we are traveling on a bit of a tight schedule, and our train leaves Allahabad in just under three hours.
CHANDRA
You won't be staying in India, then?
PASSEPARTOUT
Ha! We do not stay anywhere. We are traveling the world but we are NOT sightseeing.
CHANDRA
That is a shame. There are many beautiful things to see in the world.
PASSEPARTOUT
My sentiments exactly! And many exquisite foods, no?
CHANDRA
(laughs softly) I can only imagine. I have never been out of India. (PAUSE) I fear I must leave now, however. If I stay, I risk falling again into the hands of my executioners.
PASSEPARTOUT
Come with us! Come with us! We can travel the world together! See the sights! Savor the flavors! Eh? What do you think?
FOGG
We will be savoring no flavors, nor will we loiter about collecting picture postcards. We have a schedule to keep.
CHANDRA
I do not wish to be a burden.
FOGG
A burden?
GUIDE (COUNTESS IN DISGUISE)
Well then you'd better travel alone. Mr. Fogg is not at all fond of burdens.
FOGG
On the contrary. Chandra, we will happily escort you to Hong Kong ... or as far as you wish.
SFX: ELEPHANT TRUMPET
Fogg
What do you think ... can your elephant manage another burden, Countess?
PASSEPARTOUT
Countess?!
FOGG
I believe, Passepartout, that the Countess Lovelace has been our gracious guide through the jungles of India. It seems we must add elephant driver to her already impressive list of talents.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
How long have you known, Mr. Fogg?
FOGG
From the moment you appeared.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
You continue to surprise me.
FOGG
Really? I've been told I'm quite predictable.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Oh, I think not.
FOGG
Good. And now, if you would be so kind as to steer this elephant, and its many burdens, toward Allahabad!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
With pleasure, "Sahib."
SFX: ELEPHANT TRUMPET
SFX: TRANSITION ...
SFX: ELEPHANT TRUMPET
SFX: ALLAHABAD TRAIN STATION
COUNTESS LOVELACE
There it is. The Allahabad train station.
FOGG
Excellent. Off we go!
PASSEPARTOUT
What a great deal of policemen there are at this train station!
CHANDRA
Oh, no. It is my fault.
PASSEPARTOUT
What do you mean, Chandra?
CHANDRA
They must be looking for me. I should never have fled from my duty. You must go. Leave me here to face my fate.
PASSEPARTOUT
Never!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Those policemen are not here for you, Chandra.
CHANDRA
No?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
No. I believe they are here for Mr. Fogg.
FOGG & PASSEPARTOUT
What?!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Surely you must have heard that Scotland Yard believes you are responsible for robbing the Bank of England?
FOGG
Preposterous!
PASSEPARTOUT
Impossible!
CHANDRA
Bank robbery!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
An English gentleman meeting the description of the robbery suspect ... that would be you, Mr. Fogg ... leaves the country suddenly, right after the robbery and under mysterious circumstances, with a large supply of money? Surely you can see how it must appear.
FOGG
Only if someone deliberately presented it in the worst possible light.
BEAT
Did someone present it that way to the gentlemen at Scotland Yard, Countess?
PASSEPARTOUT
Who would do such a thing to you, Monsiuer Fogg? Besmirching your reputation like that! It is despicable! Dishonorable! Distasteful!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
It doesn't matter how they got the idea into their heads. The point is, you'll never make it on that train.
FOGG
We shall have to chance it or we'll fall hopelessly behind schedule.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
There is an alternative. Help me unload the elephant.
FOGG
Adding to our baggage will hardly help matters.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
It will when the baggage in question is a steam engine.
PASSEPARTOUT
A steam engine?! But how?
FOGG
Salvaged from the airship Prometheus, I'll warrant.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Never let a worthy piece of machinery go to waste.
CHANDRA
But, what good will a steam-engine do us?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Alone, nothing. But, properly harnessed to a set of wheels ...
FOGG
An abandoned oxcart, for example?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Or a carriage, yes ...
PASSEPARTOUT
Ah! Ah! I perceive! I perceive! Our own personal locomotive.
CHANDRA
Is this possible?
FOGG
You will find a great many things are possible with the efforts of two keen minds and the power of modern science.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Let us make haste!
SFX: TOOL SOUNDS, TRANSITION
SFX: STEAM ENGINE SOUNDS & CARRIAGE SOUNDS
PASSEPARTOUT
A steam...powered carriage! Incroyable!
CHANDRA
Truly ingenious, Countess.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Thank you, Chandra. I credit my success to a mixture of mathematics and metaphysics.
FOGG
Metaphysics?! I would have thought you were above such superstition.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Perhaps it is the influence of my father's poetic madness, Mr. Fogg. I value the study of metaphysics equal to that of any science. They are all simply methods of exploring the unseen worlds.
FOGG
A fascinating perspective.
PASSEPARTOUT
Monsieur Fogg, will we still be catching the steamer to Hong Kong?
FOGG
Of course. It is the simplest and fastest method.
CHANDRA
What about the police?
FOGG
Thanks to the Countess' clever contrivance, I believe we shall reach Calcutta ahead of the police.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
You could avoid the police altogether if you traveled overland through China.
PASSEPARTOUT
Through China? Isn't that dangerous?
FOGG
Dangerous and distinctly unreliable, Passepartout.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I was under the impression that danger had little effect on you, Mr. Fogg.
FOGG
It is not myself I am concerned with, Countess.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Your companions have become a burden, after all, then.
FOGG
Perhaps. (PAUSE) But tell me, Countess, why are you so eager to cross through uncharted lands ... and so well-prepared to do so ... when there are modern, civilized English systems of transport available on nearly every continent? One might almost deduce that you had a long-standing and fully developed plan for fleeing her majesty's domain.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Might one deduce that?
FOGG
One might indeed. (PAUSE) Tell me, Countess, if I choose the more ... conventional route, will you travel with us?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I am afraid we shall have to part ways no matter which route you choose.
FOGG
I see. May I ask why?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
It would be better. For both of us. (BEAT) Will you be sorry to see me go, Mr. Fogg?
FOGG
I don't believe I'll feel the loss too deeply.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
No?
FOGG
No. I have no doubt our paths will cross again. You see, you've become quite predictable, Countess.
SFX: DISTANT TRAIN WHISTLE
COUNTESS LOVELACE
We are nearing the point of decision, Mr. Fogg. The road to Calcutta leads that way, the road into China leads this way. The choice is yours.
SFX: SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
VOTE
SHOULD PHILEAS AND HIS COMPANIONS TRAVEL BY TRAIN AND STEAMER TO HONG KONG, OR CONTINUE OVERLAND TO PEKING (MODERN...DAY BEIJING) AND THE NEARBY PORT OF TIANJIN?
TWEETS
PHILEAS FOGG SPOTTED IN ALLAHABAD TRAIN STATION, FOGG JOINED BY MYSTERY WOMAN AND ELEPHANT, FOGG AHEAD OF SCHEDULE, FOGG STILL ON BRITISH SOIL, FOGG WILL ESCAPE SCOTLAND YARD AGAIN, #FIXBUNGLESIT
SFX: TELEGRAPH SOUNDS
DETECTIVE FIX
I'll warrant Fogg thinks he's outsmarted me again. He doesn't realize how far the arm of Scotland Yard can reach when properly motivated. I have eyes and ears everywhere, and now I'm on his trail, tight on his trail, like a bloodhound on a fox. I've sent telegraphs to every port he could possibly be bound for from Hong Kong in the south to Shanghai and Tianjin in the North. I've wired ahead to Yokohama to delay his precious steamship connection in Japan. Phileas Fogg will never make it to North America.
SFX: TRANSITION ... CHINESE MUSIC
SFX: STEAM...POWERED CARRIAGE (FOR PEKING) OR STEAMSHIP SOUNDS (FOR HONGKONG)
PASSEPARTOUT
Travel certainly goes faster when we use her majesty's transport/follow the Great Wall, Monsieur Fogg.
FOGG
Indeed. We should reach the dock within the hour, and the steamer for Yokohama does not leave until tomorrow morning. (PAUSE) No motion sickness, Passepartout?
PASSEPARTOUT
It appears I've grown accustomed to hurrying about.
FOGG
Perhaps you've grown accustomed to controlling your appetite as well.
PASSEPARTOUT
You have left me no time even for dimsum. And here is Chandra, her first foray out of India, and no chance to take it all in.
CHANDRA
I am quite content simply to take in your company, sir.
SFX: FIREWORKS
PASSEPARTOUT
Mon dieu! Someone is shooting at us!
SFX: FIREWORKS
FOGG
Get down at once!
CHANDRA
Wait! Look!
SFX: FIREWORKS
PASSEPARTOUT
Fireworks! Of course! Fireworks in the land of their birth!
CHANDRA
So beautiful!
PASSEPARTOUT
Can we not stop for a moment, Monsieur Fogg? Please?
FOGG
Next you'll have me take a detour to the nearest opium den.
PASSEPARTOUT
It is hardly the same thing!
FOGG
Dimsum, fireworks, opium ... they are all diversions to keep us from our purpose. No, Passepartout! We shall not tarry ... not even for fireworks!
SFX: TRANSITION
SFX: CHINESE DOCK WALA
DETECTIVE FIX
(CLOSE ON MIC, TO SELF) If my reports are correct, Fogg and his companions are headed here to Tianjin/Hong Kong to catch the steamer to Yokohama. But that blasted arrest warrant hasn't arrived from London yet. Without an arrest warrant, I cannot hold them and they will waltz off into the sunset with 55,000 pounds of stolen money. Time for a little clever planning, Fix, old man. With a bit of help from the ticket agents, I think I can slow the fellow down.
SFX: TRANSITION
PASSEPARTOUT
Three tickets on the steamer to Yokohama, Please.
TICKET AGENT
The steamship Carnatic?
PASSEPARTOUT
Yes. That's the one.
TICKET AGENT
Awfully sorry, sir, but the Carnatic left an hour ago.
PASSEPARTOUT
Impossible! It was not scheduled to leave until tomorrow morning.
TICKET AGENT
A shame sir, but there you are.
PASSEPARTOUT
Then I must have tickets for the next available steamer!
TICKET AGENT
Next steamer to Yokohama don't leave for another week, sir.
PASSEPARTOUT
A week! A week! Mon dieu, monsieur Fogg will be beside himself!
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
FOGG
Passepartout, you are making quite a spectacle of yourself over here, waving your arms and hopping about from foot to foot. I distinctly recall sending you to purchase tickets, not entertain the locals with your acrobatics.
PASSEPARTOUT
But, Monsieur ... the steamship Carnatic ... she has left! She has left without us! And not another ship to Yokohama for a week! A week!
FOGG
No need to screech, Passepartout. I heard you the first time.
TICKET AGENT
You are ... disappointed in your travel plans, sir?
FOGG
Not at all, not at all.
TICKET AGENT
But your ship has left.
PASSEPARTOUT
And we have no fuel left for our ...other means of transport.
FOGG
The Carnatic isn't the only vessel in this harbor.
SFX: TRANSITION
SFX CHINESE DOCK WALLAH
DETECTIVE FIX
I'll say this about Fogg ... he's as stubborn and determined a fellow as ever I laid eyes on. No obstacle seems to bother him. Storms, attacks, problems bedeviling him at every turn and he never gives up. We have a lot in common that way. So, Fogg plans on getting himself another boat, eh? Well, then I'll just have to see to it that I'm on board.
SFX: TRANSITION
SAILOR
Looking for a boat, yer honor?
FOGG
Have you a boat ready to sail?
SAILOR
Sure do, guv'nor ... pilot ... boat ...No. 43, best in the harbor.
FOGG
Fast?
SAILOR
Between eight and nine knots an hour.
FOGG
That will have to do. Take us to Yokohama.
SAILOR
Are you joking?
FOGG
I assure you I am not. We have missed the steamship Carnatic, and we must get to Yokohama by the 14th at the latest to catch the boat for San Francisco.
SAILOR
Impossible. Even with good luck and calm seas, we could never make it in time. I won't go risking myself, my men, or my little boat on so long a voyage at this stormy season.
FOGG
I can pay whatever you require.

SAILOR
(BEAT, then calling) Lay in provisions! We leave for Yokohama within the hour.

FOGG
Grab the bags, Passepartout!
SFX: WALLAH AND HUB...BUB OF PREPARATION
DETECTIVE FIX
(WHISPERING CLOSE ON MIX, TO SELF) I shall have to become a stowaway. You haven't lost me yet, Phileas Fogg. Detective Fix of Scotland Yard is not afraid of a perilous voyage at sea.
SFx: TRANSITION
SFX: ONBOARD THE SAILBOAT.
CHANDRA
Mr Fogg, we are on our way to Yokohama and yet you don't seem pleased.
PASSEPARTOUT
If you do not mind my saying, monsieur, you seem a bit, how do you say, melancholy. You are, perhaps, missing a certain eccentric mademoiselle?
FOGG
I confess, Passepartout, I had rather expected the countess to materialize on the boat. You don't suppose that sailor's wearing a false nose and beard, do you?
PASSEPARTOUT
As you have shown me, monsieur, anything is possible.
SFX: WIND, WATER, THUNDER
SAILOR
All hands on deck! Watch the mainsail, there!
FOGG
Is everything all right, Captain?
SAILOR
There's a typhoon blowing in, Mr. Fogg, sir!
FOGG
From the north or the south?
SAILOR
South.
FOGG
Excellent! It will carry us forward!
SFX: STORM SOUNDS CONTINUE.
SAILOR
The seas ain't safe, sir! We’ll have to make for port along the coast.
FOGG
We make port in Yokohama. Only Yokohama.
SFX: STORM SOUNDS AND WALLAH. TRANSITION
SFX: STORM SLOWLY FADES TO NOTHING.
FOGG
Congratulations, captain! We have weathered the storm, and Yokohama is within our grasp.
SAILOR
The storms are gone, yes, but now we've no wind at all. We're becalmed, sir.
FOGG
The port is right there. Surely you have some other means of conveyance besides relying on the caprices of the weather when we are this close.
SAILOR
'Fraid not sir.
FOGG
I see that you are nothing more than a common sailor after all.
SAILOR
Here, now! No call to go insulting me after I've brung you all this way.
FOGG
Apologies. I was merely thinking of an acquaintance of mine who has a most uncanny way of cropping up with mechanical marvels in just such situations.
SFX: STEAMBOAT WHISTLE
PASSEPARTOUT
Monsieur Fogg! That's our ship, leaving port!
FOGG
We mustn't let her depart without us. Signal her, Passepartout! Hoist the flag!
SFX: FLAG GOING UP MAST.
PASSEPARTOUT
No response, Monsieur.
FOGG
Get the cannon.
PASSEPARTOUT
Monsieur?
SAILOR
See here, now!
FOGG
The cannon, Passepartout! The cannon!
SFX: CANNON ROLLING.
FOGG
Fire!
SFX: CANNON FIRE.
PASSEPARTOUT
No response, Monsieur
FOGG
Fire again!
SFX: CANNON FIRE
PAUSE
SFX: SHIP SIGNAL HORN
PASSEPARTOUT
She sees us, sir! She’s coming about! (LAUGHING)
CHANDRA
Well done, Passepartout! You are remarkable!
PASSEPARTOUT
Not I, Chandra ... Monsieur Fogg. He is unstoppable, with or without the Countess! And now, Chandra, we are bound for America!
CHANDRA
America, the land of opportunity.
FOGG
Enough philosophizing ... grab the bags and prepare to jump ship.
SFX: TRANSITION
TWEETS: FOG CLEARS ASIA. ON TO AMERICA FOR PHILEAS FOGG. #FOGGROCKS #WHERES FIX #UNSTOPPABLE FOGG. FOGG HEADED FOR THE WILD WEST. PACK YOUR SIXSHOOTERS.
SFX: JAPANESE TRANSITION MUSIC
SFX: STEAMSHIP AT SEA, SEAGULLS, BALMY DAY
DETECTIVE FIX
(TO SELF) Hunched up in the cramped hull of a fishing boat. Ugh! I'll smell of mackerel for weeks. But it was worth it ... I've still got Fogg in my sights ... so close I can taste it. Or perhaps that's just the fish oil. Clever thing how he jumped ships to catch this steamer. I had to be quick on my feet to keep up. He's not a charming fellow, but the way he throws his money about he doesn't need to be. I suppose I should expect nothing less from a bank robber. Lord knows if there'll be a single shilling of that stolen money left when all is said and done. Well, never mind, I've made it on board the steamer to Yokohama with him and that's that. Here now ... who's that lovely lady gazing out across the ocean by the railing there? Something awfully familiar about that elegant profile. (CALLING OUT) Excuse me ... miss?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Yes?
DETECTIVE FIX
I believe we've met, you and I.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Oh, I don't think so.
DETECTIVE FIX
Yes! Yes we have, by George! You're the Countess Lovelace!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I'm ... I'm sorry, but you ... you have me at a disadvantage, I'm afraid.
DETECTIVE FIX
Detective Fix, Scotland Yard ... you tipped me off to that bank robber, Phileas Fogg ... don't you remember, Mum?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Oh. Oh, yes, Detective Fix. Of course. I'm ... I'm surprised to see you here on board the steamship to America, Detective.
DETECTIVE FIX
I'm a bit surprised to see you, too, mum. Small world, ain't it?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Very.
PAUSE
What sends you to America, Detective?
DETECTIVE FIX
You do.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I?
DETECTIVE FIX
Your helpful hint about that Fogg fellow has led me on quite a chase ... through two continents so far.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
He hasn't managed to elude you, detective?
DETECTIVE FIX
No, mum ... not that he ain't tried. But I'm smarter than he thinks. In fact, he's aboard this very ship, with that manservant of his and that woman he's been traveling with.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Traveling with a woman you say?
DETECTIVE FIX
On and off since Italy. Fact is, I think she's helped him escape more than once. I'm of half a mind they're in league together on the whole thing ... bank robbery and all. Probably planning to split the money in the end.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
You ... You don't say.
BEAT
But surely once they're in America there's nothing you can do?
DETECTIVE FIX
Don't bet on it, Countess. The American authorities have been known to help out Scotland Yard from time to time. I'll stick by his side like glue 'til I find a way to get him back to jolly old England. Rummy thing is, I half believe this fellow Fogg plans to complete the whole of his trip and end up back in London.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
And risk capture? Surely not!
DETECTIVE FIX
One way or another, I aim to find out. Not letting him out of my sight.
PAUSE
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Detective?
DETECTIVE FIX
Yes, mum?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Where is Mr. Fogg now?
DETECTIVE FIX
Why, he's right over ... What! He was there a minute ago! Excuse me, Mum. Excuse me!
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
COUNTESS LOVELACE
(TO HERSELF) That Detective Fix has proven far too competent. Who knew Scotland Yard could be so cursedly persistent? I thought he'd have given up by now. Poor Mr. Fogg. He was never supposed to be more than a decoy, and now I'm afraid he will race himself right into prison.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
FOGG
Countess. I thought we might meet again.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Mr. Fogg.
FOGG
Stooping to conventional transport now that you're safely off English soil?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
It appears we are destined to cross paths.
FOGG
I do not believe in destiny, madame. I believe in planning.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Ah.
FOGG
It is not mere chance that brings us together again, and I do not flatter myself that you are driven by desire for my company.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
You misjudge me, then.
FOGG
Entirely?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
(PAUSE) No. Not entirely. I have not dealt honestly with you, Mr. Fogg.
FOGG
I am well aware of that, madame. After all, you are a bank robber.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I beg your pardon?!
FOGG
Do not deny it, madame, and do not fear reprisals. I have no plans to expose you to anyone but yourself.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
But how did you know?
FOGG
You and Scotland Yard are not the only ones who can put together the pieces of a puzzle.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
You astound me.
FOGG
You have taken advantage of my good name to throw the law off your trail. That is not cricket, not cricket at all.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I can only say in my defense, Mr. Fogg, that from the moment we met, I have regretted entangling you in this way. And I promise you my efforts to aid your cause were driven more by a desire to assist you than by any selfish motives of my own.
FOGG
I have only your word on that, madame.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
If you can accept my word at all anymore, Mr. Fogg, then accept it on this point. There is a man on board from Scotland Yard, a Detective Fix, who has made it his sole mission in life to hunt you down. If you return to English soil, he will arrest you. I implore you to stop with me in America. We ... you might build a new life there.
FOGG
That would require me to lose my wager, go back on my word and tarnish my good name. No, madame, that I cannot do. I shall continue my journey across the American continent and onward back to England, whatever the cost. It is a matter of pride.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
At least let me help you to elude this Fix fellow, if I can.
FOGG
If he has followed me thus far, I doubt anything else you do could stop him.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Surely you will at least let me try? If it furthers your cause?
FOGG
Against my better judgment, madame, I shall entertain the notion. What do you propose?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
When we reach as close to San Francisco as the prison island of Alcatraz, let us disembark aboard one of the lifeboats, unseen and undetected, and travel the rest of the way into port unobserved. With any luck, we will lose him in that port and catch the transcontinental railway while he is still searching for you at the port.
FOGG
If we seek to make port by rowboat, we risk missing the train altogether. And yet, I suspect you have some more ingenious method of power up your sleeve than oars and brute force.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
The steam engine is a remarkable creature, Mr. Fogg, and with a particular type of propeller attached, it might be used to power a small vessel, such as a ship's lifeboat.
FOGG
As I suspected. (PAUSE) You know, countess ...
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Yes, Mr. Fogg?
FOGG
My journey is much more interesting when you are involved.
VOTE
WILL PHILEAS FOGG AGREE TO THE COUNTESS' PLAN AND DISEMBARK BY LIFEBOAT AT ALCATRAZ, OR WILL HE REMAIN ON BOARD THE STEAMSHIP ALL THE WAY TO FISHERMAN'S WHARF?
SFX: TRANSITION MUSIC
SFX: STEAMSHIP

Bold sections only apply if the vote is for Alcatraz.
SFx: DIALOGUE DELIVERED IN HUSHED VOICES.
PASSEPARTOUT
(WHISPERING) I still do not understand, monsieur. Why are we getting off here and not at the dock?
FOGG
(WHISPERING) A precaution, Passepartout. A precaution.
CHANDRA
Is this related to the bank robbery, Mr. Fogg?
PASSEPARTOUT
Surely not, Chandra! Monsieur Fogg is NOT a bank robber!
CHANDRA
I meant no insult nor accusation.
FOGG
Nevertheless, you were correct, my dear. Our current strategem is a direct result of the cloud of suspicion beneath which I am forced to dwell at present. Our plan is to confuse the law.
PASSEPARTOUT
But we will be in America, Monsieur!
FOGG
But we will not be staying there, Passepartout. We must buy ourselves time and distance from Her Majesty’s police and their wrongheaded suspicions. Now, help me with this lifeboat.
SFX: LIFEBOAT RIGGING.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Gently, please. I have no wish to be tossed into the ocean.
CHANDRA
Countess! You are hiding aboard the lifeboat?!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Yes I am. What of it?
FOGG
Of course she is. Come now, we haven't much time. Climb aboard and let's make our getaway.
PASSEPARTOUT
Monsieur Fogg? You do not sound like yourself, sir.
FOGG
I do not feel like myself, Passepartout. Perhaps it is the American air.
PASSEPARTOUT
It does smell of adventure, sir.
SFX: LIFEBOAT INTO WATER
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Mr. Fogg, would you care to do the honors of rigging up the steam engine?
FOGG
I should be delighted.
SFX: MECHANICAL SOUNDS, TOOLS, STEAM ENGINE AND PUTT...PUTT OF MOTOR
SFX: LIFEBOAT SPEEDING OFF. OR SFX STEAMBOAT WHISTLE
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Next stop, San Francisco!
SFX: SAN FRANCISCO BAY
CHANDRA
So many boats coming and going here. What do they call this strait?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
California is the land of gold, and this is the Golden Gate.
FOGG
Ferries, only ferries ... back and forth, back and forth. Such a tedious approach. With so much traffic, in this age of progress, they really ought to build a bridge here.
PASSEPARTOUT
A bridge? To span such a distance? Impossible!
FOGG
As I hope you have learned by now, Passepartout, very few things are impossible with modern science.
PASSEPARTOUT
Well, monsieur, modern science has yet to find a way to help a man to a wife. That he must do all on his own.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I believe it is possible to create a mathematical model for anything, Passepartout.
PASSEPARTOUT
Even courtship?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Even courtship.
CHANDRA
Where would be the romance in such a thing?
FOGG
It is not a matter of romance but of compatibility.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Compatibility and harmony. You might, through a series of questions, identify a companion who was ideally suited to you in every way.
FOGG
So much simpler. So much more dignified.
SFX: TRANSITION
TWEETS: FOGG FOLLOWS THE GOLD. FOGG AT THE GOLDEN GATE. HAS FOGG LEFT FIX IN THE DUST? FOG HITS THE NEW WORLD. #FOGGINAMERICA.
SFX: SAN FRANCISCO DOCK
DETECTIVE FIX
(TO SELF) Blast it! The ship docks here in San Francisco and there's no sign of any of 'em ... not Fogg, nor his little troupe of accomplices, nor that delightful Countess. Very odd. Very odd indeed. If I didn't know better I'd say I was losing my catlike reflexes.
PASSEPARTOUT
(CALLING OFF MIKE) But, Monsieur! Chandra was hoping to share a taste of this magnificent fish stew ... it is called Cioppino! Delightful!
FOGG
(CALLING OUT) Enough, Passepartout! The train is leaving! Now put down that sourdough!
DETECTIVE FIX
(TO SELF) Ah-ha! I'm on your trail once again, Phileas Fogg!
SFX: LIVELY WESTERN MUSIC
SFX: TRAIN.
CONDUCTOR (WESTERN)
All aboard the Central Pacific Railroad heading east! All aboard!
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
FOGG:
Quickly, Passepartout! Help Chandra up into the train!
PASSEPARTOUT
With pleasure, monsieur, with pleasure!
CHANDRA
Thank you, Sir!
FOGG
And the countess.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Surely you know better by now, Mr. Fogg. I am a woman who prefers to help myself.
FOGG
Well, you'd better be quick about it! Up we go!
SFX: TRAIN DEPARTING
SFX: WESTERN TRANSITION MUSIC
SFX: FAST TRAIN, TRAIN SLOWING, TRAIN STOPS
CONDUCTOR
Buffalo herd on the tracks!
PASSEPARTOUT
Buffalo!
CHANDRA
Magnificent creatures.
FOGG
Surely they will clear away if we simply continue onward?
CONDUCTOR
If we run over that herd of buffalo, we wreck the train ... or risk a stampede.
FOGG
Then by all means let us risk a stampede!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Mr. Fogg, you know there are no mathematical certainties when it comes to the direction of a stampede.
FOGG
Are you suggesting we simply sit idly by and wait? You disappoint me, Countess. Conductor, how long will we be stranded here?
CONDUCTOR
That depends on the buffalo.
PASSEPARTOUT
America! What a country! Mere cattle stop the trains!
SFX: TIME PASSING
SFX: NATIVE AMERICAN DRUMMING.
PASSEPARTOUT
What's that?
CONDUCTOR
Oh, that'd be the Indians.
CHANDRA
That is not Indian music.
FOGG
American Indians, Chandra. A very different sort.
PASSEPARTOUT
Oh, Monsieur Fogg, I do not like the sound of that. I have read the dime store novels, sir. War drums. That can only be war drums. We must be under attack!
FOGG
Calm yourself, Passepartout. War drums are not the only drums. We must hope the sound will budge the buffalo.
PASSEPARTOUT
I would prefer if we were the ones who could budge.
SFX: COYOTES HOWLING
CONDUCTOR
Don't know about the natives, but those coyotes'll get the herd moving. Question is which way they'll head. Brace yourselves! Stampede!
SFX: WALLAH, TRAIN SHAKING, BUFFALO HERD STAMPEDING INTO DISTANCE
CHANDRA
It seems Providence is once again looking out for us.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
You must admit, Mr. Fogg, that herd charging across the plains is a magnificent sight
SFX: TRAIN WHISTLE
CONDUCTOR
Tracks cleared!
FOGG
No, Countess ... that unobstructed track is a magnificent sight.
SFX: TRAIN STARTING, THEN PICKING UP SPEED
PASSEPARTOUT
I am told that the saloons at the next stop are well worth the visit.
CHANDRA
Saloon? What is that?
PASSEPARTOUT
Well, Chandra, ... a saloon is ... from what I understand ... it is a sort of American temple, you see.
CHANDRA
A temple?
PASSEPARTOUT
Yes ... of a sort.
CHANDRA
Well, then I should like to visit it with you.
FOGG
I shall have to disappoint you both. There will be no saloons, and no sightseeing.
PASSEPARTOUT
Not even in New York, Monsieur?
FOGG
Not even in New York.
SFX: TRAIN
CONDUCTOR
Salt Lake City, Utah!
CHANDRA
Imagine, an entire lake made of salt!
PASSEPARTOUT
Now, that is worth seeing, is it not, Monsieur Fogg?
FOGG
It is NOT, Passepartout. It is not.
CHANDRA
One day, Passepartout, you should revisit all the places on this tour and take the time to see and do and taste all that they have to offer.
PASSEPARTOUT
A magnificent idea! Then I could truly say that I had seen the world, not just traveled around it.
SFX: TRANSITION, TRAIN SOUNDS
CONDUCTOR
Fort Bridger Station!
SFX: TRAIN WHISTLE. TRAIN STOPS.
CONDUCTOR
Bridge not safe at Medicine Bow Pass! Everybody off the train! We’ll have to cross on foot and catch the next train at Omaha. Everybody off!
SFX: WALLAH
FOGG
How long will that take?
CONDUCTOR
Six hours. We'll have to go ten miles north to find a ford.
FOGG
Six hours delay! Can't we cross the river in a boat?
CONDUCTOR
The creek is too swelled by the rains.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
There must be another way to get over.
FOGG
I believe there is, Countess.
PASSEPARTOUT
A steam-powered whirligig? A mechanical ferry boat? A flying passenger car?
FOGG
Don't be ridiculous, Passepartout. We have a perfectly serviceable locomotive.
PASSEPARTOUT
But the bridge is unsafe for the train, Monsieur Fogg.
FOGG
By my calculations, if we put on the very highest speed we have a strong probability of jumping across and landing on the other side.
PASSEPARTOUT
A strong p ... p ... p ... probability?
FOGG
Yes. A strong probability.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Mr. Fogg is right. The mathematics are in our favor, Passepartout.
CONDUCTOR
A gambling man, eh, Mr. Fogg? I like your style! (CALLING OUT) Everybody back on board the train! We're jumping this bridge!
PASSEPARTOUT
Americans!
CONDUCTOR
You ain't afraid are you?
PASSEPARTOUT
Afraid? A Frenchman? Never!
SFX: ENTHUSIASTIC WALLAH OF PASSENGERS.
CONDUCTOR
Back her up! We’ll need a running start!
SFX: TRAIN WHISTLE, TRAIN SLOWLY BACKING UP.
CONDUCTOR
Ready?
SFX: WESTERN WALLAH: READY! YEE...HA!
CONDUCTOR
Full speed ahead!
SFX: FAST TRAIN.
SFX: PASSENGER WALLAH "YEE ... HAW! RIDE ... EM, COWBOY!"
PASSEPARTOUT
Mon dieu!
SFX: CRASH OF TRAIN COMING DOWN.
SFX: WALLAH OF REACTION
PASSEPARTOUT
We made it!
FOGG
Of course.
SFX: CHEERING
PASSEPARTOUT
Not a moment too soon ... the bridge is giving way!
SFX: CRASH OF BRIDGE.
CONDUCTOR
On to Fort Saunders!
SFX: TRAIN (THROUGH)
CONDUCTOR
Evans Pass!
CONDUCTOR
Fort McPherson!
CONDUCTOR
Plum Creek!
CONDUCTOR
Omaha station!
CONDUCTOR
Chi ... ca ... go!
CONDUCTOR
New York Citeeee!
SFX: TRAIN STOPS
SFX: PASSENGER HUB...BUB
SFX: DOCK SOUNDS
DETECTIVE FIX
(TO SELF) At last ... I'm nearly free of this godforsaken continent. Buffalo stampedes! Wild Indians! Trains jumping raging rivers! What I wouldn't give for a nice cup of tea! But Fogg didn't stop once, and here he is in New York, just as if he were bound for home again. Could he really be so arrogant he don't think I'm on to him? Or maybe he don't care? Maybe he thinks he can get away with it anyways.
TWEETS: FOGG ARRIVES IN NEW YORK. WHO ARE THE MYSTERIOUS WOMEN TRAVELING WITH HIM? NOT JUST 1 BUT 2. #FOGGTHELADIESMAN
SFX: NEW YORK MUSIC AND SOUNDS
PASSEPARTOUT
New York City! There is a whole world on every street corner ... bagels, Italian ices, Polish sausages, Russian baklava! Where to begin, where to begin?
CHANDRA
I would very much like to try something called a hot dog.
FOGG
You have one hour, Passepartout. One hour. When the steamer for London leaves that dock, I shall be on it, with or without you.
PASSEPARTOUT
One hour! One hour to embrace New York City! I accept the challenge! This way, Chandra!
SFX: FOOTSTEPS, LAUGHTER OF BOTH PASSEPARTOUT & CHANDRA
COUNTESS LOVELACE
You may live to regret that, Mr. Fogg.
FOGG
No, Countess. I do not think I shall.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Have you become sentimental?
FOGG
Let us say I have allowed for the possibility.
BEAT
I presume you will be leaving us here, Countess?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
It would be the prudent course.
FOGG
As long as the police suspect me, you are perfectly safe.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I cannot allow you to play that part any more, Mr. Fogg.
FOGG
It is a part I am willing to play.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Detective Fix will follow you back to London, and the moment you set foot on English soil, he will have you arrested. You will lose your wager.
FOGG
And you will keep your freedom.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I may have one final trick up my sleeve. Will you allow me the use of your coat and top hat?
FOGG
A disguise?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Let us see what Detective Fix will do when he has TWO Phileas Fogg's to follow.
SFX: TRANSITION
SFX: DOCK WALLAH
SFX: TWO SETS OF RUNNING FOOTSTEPS
PASSEPARTOUT
(CALLING, OUT OF BREATH) Monsieur Fogg! Monsieur Fogg! We are here, sir! We are on time!
CHANDRA
Such sights, Mr. Fogg! The buildings ... so tall they scrape the sky! And so many people, so many languages!
PASSEPARTOUT
We rode on something called a pneumatic transit! It traveled underground! Perhaps one day there will be an entire network of such things ... a subterranean railway! Wouldn't that be remarkable, Monsieur Fogg? Monsieur Fogg?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Mr. Fogg is already waiting for you on the steamship, Passepartout. Here are your tickets.
PASSEPARTOUT
Countess?! But you ...
CHANDRA
You are wearing men's clothing.
PASSEPARTOUT
You are wearing Monsieur Fogg's clothing!! (BEAT) If you are dressed in Monsieur Fogg's clothes ... does that mean that he is dressed in yours?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
(LAUGHING) No, no, no, Passepartout. Even I cannot get Mr. Fogg to depart so completely from his habits as a proper Englishman. No, we have merely created an added diversion for our friend from Scotland Yard. Now got on board that steamship, quickly ... you don't want to keep your master waiting.
CHANDRA
You will not be coming with us, then?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I think not.
PASSEPARTOUT
I do not think your ruse will work, then. Is that not the police detective boarding the steamer now, and right behind Monsieur Fogg?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
So it is, Passepartout! Quickly! We must warn Mr. Fogg!
SFX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS,
SFX TRANSITION
SFX: STEAMSHIP HORN
SFX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS
PASSEPARTOUT
(CALLING OUT) Monsieur Fogg! Monsieur Fogg!
DETECTIVE FIX
Here now, what's this? Two of 'em? Impossible!
PASSEPARTOUT
Monsieur Fogg, you are being followed.
FOGG
Passepartout, you are six and a half minutes late.
PASSEPARTOUT
Never mind that! The police! They are after you!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I'm afraid our little plan didn't work. Detective Fix just boarded the steamer.
FOGG
And so did you.
SFX: STEAMSHIP HORN, STEAMER PULLING AWAY
Fogg
We have left the dock, Countess, and you are still with us.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Whatever happens when we get to London, I have no regrets, Mr. Fogg.
FOGG
But, my dear woman, we are not going to London.
SFX: STING
AUDIENCE VOTE #4: ARE PHILEAS AND HIS FRIENDS ONBOARD A STEAMER HEADED FOR SPAIN OR IRELAND?
SFX: TRANSITION
SFX: STEAMSHIP CROSSING ATLANTIC
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Mr. Fogg, I cannot let you abandon your wager for my sake.
FOGG
Madame, I have no intention of abandoning my wager.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
But you have boarded a steamship bound for Spain/Ireland.
FOGG
As you know, I only bet on mathematical certainties, and there is nothing I am so mathematically certain of as you, Countess. When we reach Spain/Ireland, there will be just enough time to make one final leg of our journey ... and on this final step, you and I shall labor together. I saw the drawings in your notebook, drawings for an underwater machine.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
A submersible ... yes. It has long been a dream of mine to test my designs.
FOGG
The journey across the Atlantic is a long one, and the steamer is amply equipped with resources for the mechanically inclined. Why not spend the time in pursuit of your dream? When we reach the other side, we shall have a means of conveyance more suited to the clandestine nature of our chase with Scotland Yard. What say you, madame? Shall we become partners in engineering?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I should like nothing better, Mr. Fogg.
SFX: TRANSITION
SFX: TOOLS, SOUNDS OF MECHANICAL CONSTRUCTION
SFX: STEAMSHIP HORN
SPANISH/IRISH MUSIC
DOCK WALLAH SPANISH/IRISH
DETECTIVE FIX
What's this? What's this? We're not in England! We're in bloody Spain/Ireland! Here, now! Where's that blasted ship's captain! Get me to England, immediately, blast you, you blasted blaster!
SFX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, FIX MUTTERING INTO DISTANCE
PASSEPARTOUT
The coast she is clear, Monsieur Fogg.
FOGG
Excellent, Passepartout. Now, Countess, it is time to put your latest invention to the test.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Our invention, Mr. Fogg. Our invention.
SFX: UNDERWATER, SUBMARINE SOUNDS
PASSEPARTOUT
Oh, Monsieur Fogg, I take back every complaint I have made throughout our journey! Oh, monsieur, never in my wildest dreams did I think to see the world from beneath the sea. This is a sight I shall never forget!
CHANDRA
Nor shall I.
FOGG
Well, Countess, it appears our submersible is a success.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
It would seem so. Still, I am concerned about your wager, Mr. Fogg. Our speed is not what it should be.
FOGG
Then we must increase it! Stoke the fires, Passepartout!
PASSEPARTOUT
Yes, monsieur!
SFX: SUBMARINE ENGINE GUNNING UP, STOKING OF FIRES, ETC.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Still not fast enough! Add more fuel!
PASSEPARTOUT
There is no more fuel left, mademoiselle!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Burn whatever you can! Burn the entire ship if you must! We're nearly there!
SFX: FIRES, ENGINE, ETC.
PASSEPARTOUT
That's it! There's nothing left! Not if we want to remain underwater!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
No more need, Passepartout! The shores of London are on the horizon. We shall surface and use the last of the ship to get us to ground.
FOGG
You would destroy your beautiful creation, madame?
COUNTESS LOVELACE
I can always build a new one, Mr. Fogg. Anything is possible! And now, we have wager to win!
SFX: TRANSITION
SFX: LONDON STREET WALLAH
PASSEPARTOUT
Home once more in dear old London! Ah, how good it is!
CHANDRA
It is as tremendous as I'd always imagined. Passepartout, might we do some sightseeing here, as well.
PASSEPARTOUT
Monsieur Fogg?
DETECTIVE FIX
(CALLING OUT) There he is! That's him! That's the bank robber Phileas Fogg! Arrest him!
SFX: POLICE WHISTLE, HUB...BUB, CHASING
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Wait! Stop! He is not your man! I am!
SFX: WALLAH, CONFUSED
DETECTIVE FIX
You, Countes?! Don't be ridiculous!
FOGG
Countess, don't.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
It's true, Detective. A woman, a silly little unassuming, harmless woman robbed your precious Bank of England. Mr. Fogg was merely meant to throw you off the trail.
PASSEPARTOUT & CHANDRA
What?! Incredible!
FOGG
No! She's lying!
DETECTIVE FIX
Looks like I'll have to take them both in. Handcuff them, gents! Phileas Fogg and Countess Lovelace, I arrest you for robbery, conspiracy and evading Her Majesty's Justice! Take 'em away!
SFX: STING
SFX: Jail door CLANGS SHUT.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Mr. Fogg, this is all my fault.
FOGG
Given that we are now imprisoned together, Madame, I shall insist you call me by my first name.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Very well, Phileas. Then I must insist you do the same.
FOGG
As you wish, Ada.
SFX: CLOCK STRIKING. WATCH TICKING (THROUGH).
FOGG
Two o’clock. I am due in the Reform Club in less than 7 hours.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
They will figure out the truth. I have given them all the proof that they need. You'll see. And then you will no longer be able to play the noble fool.
FOGG
(PAUSE) You realize if you are locked away in prison it will break my heart.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Your heart, Phileas? I did not think you placed much store in such things.
FOGG
It has recently been unearthed and appears to be in working condition after all.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Well ...did you not say I was worth betting on?
FOGG
I did.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Then do not count me out. You win your wager ... leave me to find my way to freedom.
SFX: CHIME STRIKING
SFX: DOOR, FOOTSTEPS, KEYS, PRISON DOOR OPENS
DETECTIVE FIX
Looks like the Countess is our culprit after all. You're free to go, Mr. Fogg.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Quickly! You still have time to get to the Reform Club!
FOGG
Goodbye, Ada.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
Until we meet again, Phileas.
SFX: MUSIC TRANSITION
SFX: GALLOPING HORSES.
SFX: CLOCKS STRIKING.
FOGG
Ten minutes before nine o’clock.
PASSEPARTOUT
You were due at the Reform Club at 15 minutes before the hour!
CHANDRA
Oh, Mr. Fogg! You have lost your wager!
FOGG
I have lost my wager, my fortune, and my heart, all in one day.
PASSEPARTOUT
What will you do, Monsieur?
FOGG
Go home, Passepartout. Go home and rest. Tomorrow, I shall put my affairs in order.
SFX MUSIC TRANSITION
FOGG
Passepartout, I am very grateful for your aid on this journey. I can no longer afford to keep you on as my manservant. I am sorry.
PASSEPARTOUT
You may no longer be my employer, monsiuer, but I hope I may still count you as my friend.
FOGG
You may, Passepartout, you may.
PASSEPARTOUT
And as my friend, I hope you will agree to stand witness at my marriage.
FOGG
Your marriage, Passepartout?
PASSEPARTOUT
Chandra and I have decided that life is too short not to savor every moment together. And so, we shall be married. Tomorrow.
FOGG
Tomorrow! You haven't much time. Have you made your arrangements?
PASSEPARTOUT
I wished first to ask your blessing, Monsieur, since without you and your journey, Chandra and I would never have met.
FOGG
You have my blessing. And I shall stand witness with a glad heart. Now, let us make haste!
PASSEPARTOUT
Again, monsieur?
FOGG
We have a wedding to arrange. For tomorrow ... Monday.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS HURRYING. TRANSITION MUSIC
PASSEPARTOUT
(calling out, out of breath) Monsieur Fogg! Monsieur Fogg!
FOGG
What is the matter, Passepartout?
PASSEPARTOUT
Marriage ... impossible ... for tomorrow.
FOGG
Why so?
PASSEPARTOUT
Because tomorrow ... is Sunday!
FOGG
Tomorrow is Monday, my friend.
PASSEPARTOUT
No ... today is Saturday.
FOGG
Saturday? Impossible!
PASSEPARTOUT
Yes, yes, yes, yes! You have made a mistake!
FOGG
I do not make mistakes, Passepartout.
PASSEPARTOUT
A mistake of one full day! We arrived twenty ... four hours ahead of time.
COUNTESS LOVELACE
(COMING IN) He's right, Phileas!
PASSEPARTOUT
Countess?!
FOGG
Ada!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
You made an error of science and mathematics, Phileas. We both did.
FOGG
What?!
COUNTESS LOVELACE
You gained a full day on your journey because you always traveled east ... towards the sun. The days therefore grew shorter by 4 minutes for each degree of longitude you crossed. While you, going east, saw the sun pass the meridian eighty times,your friends here in London only saw it pass the meridian seventy nine times. And now, there are only ten minutes left for you to win your wager!
SFX: MUSIC/TRANSITION


SFX: REFORM CLUB wallah
STUART
Gentlemen, in twenty minutes the time agreed upon between Mr. Fogg and ourselves will have expired. If Phileas Fogg had come in on the 7:23 train, he would have got here by this time. But we must not be too hasty. Phileas Fogg never arrives too soon, or too late. I should not be surprised if he appeared before us at the last possible minute.
SFX: CLOCK TICKING THROUGH.
STUART
Seventeen minutes to nine.
SFX: MURMURS OF THE CROWD OUTSIDE
STUART
Sixteen minutes to nine! One minute more, and the wager is won.
SFX: CROWD MURMURS. DOOR OPENS. HUSH. FOOTSTEPS.
FOGG
Eight ... forty ... five. Here I am, gentlemen!
SFX: CROWD CHEERS & WALLA. MUSIC.
PASSEPARTOUT
You've won, Monsieur Fogg! You've won your wager! ... Around the world in eighty days! Steamships, railways, dirigibles, carriages, sailboats, submersibles ... even elephants!
FOGG
Pack my bags, Passepartout!
PASSEPARTOUT
Monsieur?
FOGG
The Countess and I must leave England at once! The law is in pursuit! And, Passepartout?
PASSEPARTOUT
Oui, Monsieur?
FOGG
This time, there will be sightseeing!
PASSEPARTOUT
Oui, Monsieur!
ANNOUNCER
To make his journey, Phileas Fogg had spent as much as money as he had won, so what had he really gained by all this trouble? What had he brought back from this long and weary journey? Nothing, say you? Perhaps. Nothing but the love of a most remarkable woman, and the deepest and most loyal of friends. For such a prize, wouldn't you make a tour around the world?
SFX: MUSIC FADE; Willamette Radio Workshop THEME IN.
End